In a too-rushed ending to our class on Wednesday, we talked about fathers and their roles in caregiving. Although we can debate family compositions and gender role requirements for happy lives and childrearing outcomes, men make up half of our population in the US or worldwide (or around there, depending on your source of statistics) and it's important that we focus on the impact they make on children through their relationships with them, and how we can support men in being nurturing fathers.
As a great transition to next week as we talk about the beginning of life and what babies need, here's the clip on fathers that was listed for week 2 in our class. It's from the "I Am Your Child" series. It's called 'To Be a Father."
Also, a picture from the new NBC series, "This is Us." As you watch the video (a bit dated but still relevant), consider the roles that fathers play in the new life that is a baby. How is it different, or as Ray Romano says, a transition from the way fathers used to be involved (or should we say, were 'only' involved)?What factors influence how father's father their children? What do we want them to do and be for their children? And what messages to them support and reinforce caregiving as being more than 'the wallet' and 'the disciplinarian'?
Consider your own father, or the person who has functioned most closely as a father to you. What roles does this person play in your life (in concert or perhaps separate from your mother)? How has this person shaped who you are today?
I don't think the role of the father has changed dramatically in recent years. They are still thought of as the disciplinarian and lack of "mother" gene. On the other hand, there has been more research and support for fathers and how they can be involved-but we are not there yet. A factor that influences how father's father their children is media and our own cultural backgrounds. Fathers are influenced by how they were fathered, religion and cultural values. Media also plays a large influence through depicting the narrative that father's are not as important as mothers and how they should act/behave with their children. Personally, I want fathers to be more involved in the childbirth process, dating, nurturing, school and emotional support sectors. Men should role play the men/women that they want their daughters/sons to marry. I did not have a father growing; I have never met my dad, and the closest "father like" figure was my stepdad, but he was a horrible role model and was never there for me and it often felt like we were strangers. I think that my stepfather influenced how I engaged in my personal relationships growing up. I had an avoidant attachment style with others and could not get close to friends or boyfriends because I couldn't trust that they would be there for me. I also know of a lot of my friends who didn't have good father figures and still to this day struggle with in their relationships. Thankfully, I have learned to become a very secure adult and trust in others. I do think that fathers are important for children's well-being and even though I didn't have a father I still do think that they are important. We need to redefine the role of a father and this will only be achieved by changing the narrative of what their role is. We must allow men to be comfortable and allow them to show their nurturing side by supporting them as mothers and changing how the media portrays them. Instead of saying I am pregnant we should say, we are pregnant, engage them in ultrasounds, have them show up for baby showers, go to child & parenting classes and most importantly change the policy for family leave so that both mothers and fathers can stay at home their child if they so choose to.
ReplyDeleteMy church has a good number of young families , with a lot of kids who are all quite well behaved, and today I watched to see how the fathers interacted with their kids differently than moms. The dad's were much more playful, picking their kids up and spinning them around, playing "airplane", dancing; doing anything to make them giggle. The moms were much more involved in snuggling their kids (especially young babies) closely, making goofy faces, "baby talking" and looking for a more emotional, intimate response.
ReplyDeleteMy impression of fathering in the past, lets say when my parents were being raised, was different than it is today. Men were expected to work full time and be able to solely support the family, with the wife working only if she had a good reason to. Men set the "household rules", and women dealt directly with the rearing of children. I enjoy the show "I Love Lucy", and in the episode in which Lucy went into labor with their son, Ricky was not allowed in the room, but instead had to stay in a waiting room doors away, not knowing how his wife was doing, and only being allowed to see her and the baby when they were both cleaned up and dressed. As someone who hopes to have children one day, I found this ridiculous. I would need my husband there to hold my hand, and would certainly want him there to hold our tiny new human i his/her first minutes of life. I think this type of thinking about even just a father's role in giving birth (obviously less crucial than the mother's) has evolved over time. In the 50s, Lucy probably wouldn't have wanted Ricky in there with her, with the thought that "it wasn't a man's place". I definitely think that as these traditional gender roles are shifting, and intertwining, father's are much more present in the lives of their wives, which leads to them being more involved in the lives of their children. A big impetus for this change has been with the advent of full-time working mothers and part-time or stay at home dad's. Understandably, whoever is spending the most time with the children is going to play a more active role in their lives, and western society has become much more open about this idea that fathers can be just as important in a child's life as mothers. Overall, I would say that the role of fathers has gone from a passive one, parenting only when necessary or when discipline was needed, to a very active one, where fathers are involved in nearly every aspect of a child's life, and disciplinary action is more evenly dispersed between two parents (though I think each family has one parent who tends to be the boss in this area).
I know I would not be the person I am today without my father. Unlike my mother who teaches verbally, my dad teaches by example, which has always had more of an impact on me. He is extremely level-headed and practical and has taught me how to keep my cool, given me a strong work ethic from his farm background, given me mountains of measured, respectful advice, and has influenced my personality and sense of humor in ways I don't know how to put into words. I think that without him, I would have a much shakier idea of who I am and not just what I want in life but HOW to know what I want in life.
There are factors in society that influence the way we see fathers and how they should be a father. The stereotypical role of the father is that he makes all the money, fixes things, and is the main source of discipline for the child. On the other hand, the mother is responsible for nurturing and caring for her child. The video talked about how men’s contributions have been overlooked and they are worth more than their wallets to their children. Recently the roles have started changing a little bit. It said that men can feel out of the loop when a baby is born and they should be more of a best friend along with the wife to the child. Moms and dads both need to learn how to raise a child. One quote I found to be important is “Men grow when they father.” It means a lot to the man when they can help and the video emphasized the importance that the father and mother have in supporting a child and not following the stereotype that men only discipline and provide financial support. The video made me think about my own father. He controlled the discipline and money but he also was involved with me. He would spend time and also connected with me on an emotional level whenever he had free time from his work. He has shaped me to believe that being a father is more than just making money and giving discipline. Yes he did do those things, but he was there for me in many other ways.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to be truly honest my dad had always been the provider and not so much the nurturing type. That role was more for my mother. I think it might be still a cultural thing, I see other fathers that can be more nurturing and it could be because of the society that we grow up in or cultural background. My parents are both from Central America where it is the norm to have the mothers stay home. My mom stayed home up until we were all in school and then went back to work, so most of the nurturing came from her.
ReplyDeleteThe role of the father was much more detached, someone who would walk off in the morning for work, and then walk back on after work for dinner, and to be the disciplinarian. It showed the father as distant, and as having a lack of an emotional relationship with children. This has changed as fathers have become more involved, and have been encouraged to be more emotionally open and nurturing with their children.
ReplyDeleteMany factors influence how a father "fathers". Cultural messages about the role of a father, the work schedule that he and his partner may have, and the relationship between him as his partner. Some partners may be closed off to letting him get involved in his child's life. However, we want fathers to be just as involved as mothers (or partners of other genders) would be. Personally as a feminist I believe in the complete abolishment of gender roles, and the destruction of cultural ideas of what certain genders should do. Along with that, toxic masculinity, the way that the patriarchy affects men, needs to be deconstructed so that men feel that it is not a bad thing to act in a way that is traditionally "feminine". This will open them up and make them feel like they can be more nurturing and involved with their children. Parents should work together and agree beforehand on how the workload will be divided, and to ensure that it is equal and that neither parent feels let down by the relationship. This will help to support men to be more than the wallet and the disciplinarian.
To be honest, I did not see my father in any of the men in the video. I was brought up in a very patriarchal culture. Family was a status symbol for men, and so my father connected with me only insofar as he could maintain his status symbol, and outside of that he was neglectful of and abusive. My relationship between my parents was not supportive, of each other or the children, and the lack of connection and care from my parents absolutely did impact my life. Because of this, it's often difficult to view fathers in a positive light. My education and identity as a feminist is beginning to change that.
Though it is dated, I really enjoyed the video "To Be A Father". I think that it brought up some great points. I liked how it compared old, traditional views of fatherhood as a "walk on role" but that nowadays we need to redefine fatherhood and add new dimensions. I think that one really important aspect that the video discussed was having mothers be supportive of fathers. Most of the time, after a woman has given birth, family and friends are constantly asking how the "mother and child" are doing. It seems that often, no one asks how the father is coping with his new child. I think that it is crucial that new mothers do not allow ALL of the attention to be on them postpartum, and they make sure to check in with the fathers on how they are doing emotionally and physically. With that, I think that many hormones and maternal instincts kick in after a woman has a baby and naturally she becomes very protective. However, in some cases, this can lead to mothers not fully trusting fathers, who may be very well-prepared and responsible fathers. This, in turn, could make a new father question his abilities and not be the greatest father to his full potential.
ReplyDeleteI think that because men are naturally taller and bigger, this plays a role in them often being seen as the disciplinarian. Along with that, our society raises young girls to easily express their emotions and be compassionate to others, while we often raise men to hold in their feelings and act "masculine". This socialization can cause mothers to be more empathetic with their children while fathers feel the need to hold in their emotions and solely discipline. I really don't like this imbalance in families. Growing up, though I didn't get in trouble often, but whenever my siblings or I did, our parents always sat us down and talked to us together. They were both always present and worked as a pair/team to talk to us about what we did wrong or whatever the situation may have been. I always appreciated the balance and mutual respect they shared. And, honestly, there was never one of them that I was more "afraid of" whenever I got in trouble. They were equal disciplinarians. As a child, this was sometimes nerve-wracking knowing that I had to talk to both of them if I did something bad. But in hindsight, I know that it meant their relationship was strong and that to this day I greatly respect both of them.
Ive never classified my dad as a bread winner even though he works a 15 hour day. My dad was never the one I ran to when I had something that was going on. But in the last few years of my life I payed attention to how he would ask me if everythings good when he would tuck me in to bed. I would always respond with yeah...I'm fine dad, but I soon realized that he wasnt asking necessarily if something was wrong, that was just one of his ways of asking how my day was and what is going on in my life.
ReplyDeleteWhen I heard him talking in the video about how changing a diaper isn't just a way of "helping out" but instead a way of connecting with your child, I instantly thought about how people consider a husband changing his child's diaper to be a way of lending a hand to their wife and not as if its also their responsibility to change a diaper. Also when they discussed how the mother tends to jump in when a father is trying to do something with the child and say "oh here let me do it" because they're either doing it wrong according to them or they want to do it themselves. This happens multiple times with my mother when she asks my dad to fold the laundry and when he did she would immediately criticize by saying, that's not how you fold the towels." I just found it very accurate when they discussed in the video that mothers are the "gatekeepers" for the father's relationships with their children.
My relationship with my dad had always been very close and inclusive. He has been able to supply resources and opportunities for me financially. So I guess in that way maybe he fits the mold of the “breadwinner”, but he is so much more than that. He’s emotionally supportive, and by far the most reliable person in my life, which is less characteristic of the traditional father role. I feel really lucky to have had such an involved dad. One thing that I think really influenced how he has functioned as a parent, is his own relationship that he had with his dad - not being a very good one. He's always told me that he wanted his relationship with his kids to be so much different, and its something he's worked hard for. I think that childhood experience is a huge factor not just for fathers, but also for all parents. How each individual responds to these experiences is completely unique, but in some way it will have an undeniable affect. Overall I agree with Ray Romano when he says that there is a transition towards more emotionally involved and nurturing fathers. I think that is truly becoming a much more expected and accepted position. This is happening largely in part to a change in representation in the media and the breakdown of gender roles and stereotypes – which we are still clearly working on. We are still working to get past this very macho, hardened, unemotional stereotype of men in the United States. As we continue to progress I really hope that this promotes and welcomes emotional connectedness of fathers with their children.
ReplyDeleteNaturally when I think of a father, I think of my own dad. However, my dad and I don't have a close relationship. He's an alcoholic who continually relapses and that has burnt many bridges in our relationship. On the other hand, I know my dad will do anything in his power to support me in any manner. He makes a very healthy salary and has never once hesitated to assist me with paying my rent, tuition, bad shopping habits, or anything else for that matter. I still work and fend for myself, however my dad is the textbook definition of a provider. My mom never worked growing up so my lifestyle and absolutely everything I have I owe to him and him working endlessly for over 25 years, starting 4 businesses and maintaining 6 total. So, when I think of a father and his role I automatically think of support. I think of always having a place to go, someone to fall back on, and continual security in my life. Although this is the father I grew up with, experiencing the fathers of my friends and boyfriend, I've realized that a dad should probably be a little more warm. I cannot confide in my father, we don't talk about super substantial topics, and often I don't feel welcome to initiate important conversations. Luckily I can fulfill those needs with my mother, but I think that a father needs to adhere to those roles as well instead of just being a full grown man piggy bank.
ReplyDeleteThis whole area of conversation has been really interesting for me. Throughout my lifetime, I've had a very supportive father as well as my mother. One aspect of my family that is a little different is that my mother has a partner, Katie. She's been in my life since I was two so I see her as a parent of mine. It's been really interesting to see the roles that my mother, father, and Katie all take on. Katie wouldn't be considered my "dad" but she doesn't fit into the term "mother" either. This discussion of what a father is and what this position entails has been really eyeopening for me in regards to what parental roles and stigmas carry and how I can relate them to my own life.
ReplyDeleteLooking at my father and how he shaped me, I would say that he had a major part in pushing me out of my comfort zone and showing me that taking chances is all part of life. He was always a "tough love" kind of father but there were also times that he showed me compassion and companionship. In this sense, I think that the role of a father is changing. In the past, I think many fathers were seen as the individuals that didn't connect with their children but rather supported them more so in the sense of finances- not as much emotional. Now, I think the role of fathers is moving away from a stone cold persona into a more personable and compassionate individual that children can relate to. Another way that I see fathers roles changing is they aren't always seen as the parent that needs to go to work and provide for the family. With women going back to school and work, the role of a father is transitioning from the parent that is always at work to the parent that is also watching the kids.
Speaking as a father myself, I do feel that I had a big role in my daughter's upbringing. Being able to cut the umbilical cord was pretty cool. I didn't feel unprepared, as much as excited and a bit intimidated. I was the oldest of 7 siblings, so I knew how to feed and toilet a newborn. Giving my daughter her first bath in the hospital was when it became real. I was worried I would hurt her. The nursing aide told me to relax and assured me she was not as fragile as I thought. Anyway, it was a neat way to get to bond with her. Even though her mom and I parted ways when she was young, I have remained in her life. Despite our physical separation I made a point of letting her know how much she means to me. I volunteered at her kindergarten. We shared experiences such as fishing and horseback riding. I hoped to give her as normal a family as I could. Her mom and I made it work. I was more than a monthly check. Now she has followed me into the military, and is currently preparing for college in her spare time.
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