We've all been there. At a store or airport or other public place when a child has a meltdown and the parent loses it. It's not comfortable for anyone, least of which for the parent who balances his or her own emotions, thoughts about how best to handle the situation and the child, and feeling judged by those around.
What do you do? If you're like most (including me, most of the time) you don't do much of anything. You remain proactive by looking away or looking busy so that the frazzled parent at least has one fewer person to feel watched by. Yet perhaps (like me) you remain attentive enough to weigh when some kind of assistance or intervention may be actually helpful. Strangers are not likely to welcome your picking up the child or giving the child something like candy (though some are), but they may welcome distracting the child with a silly voice. Or hearing a simple calm adult voice that asks if there is help that can be offered "Can I help unload your grocery cart for you while you tend to your daughter". Or even a glance that says or actual expression of, "I know what you are going through. It's tough when they are tired, isn't it?"
But what about other times when it appears that the child might be in danger? Check out this story from the New York Times a couple weeks ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/29/us/should-you-intervene-when-a-parent-harshly-disciplines-a-child-in-public.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=0
What is happening that might lead someone to consider intervening? What is your opinion about this? Do you agree or disagree with the recommendations expressed? Would it be an invasion of privacy for the family? What is the boundary at which a stranger 'should' get involved? Consider too our points from class about preserving the parent-child relationship? Might intervention escalate something in a parent that might somehow damage, rather than support future parenting?
I think there is a fine line between intervening and ignoring. The hard part of this decision is that it is up to personal decision. What I think is okay may not be considered okay to the next person. However, there is a point where the line has been crossed and abuse is apparent. Individuals definitely need to step in if they sense that abuse is occurring. In the case of the child being dragged by the hair in Walmart, I do believe that the woman intervened when she should have because the incident could be considered abuse. The father was physically harming the child even after she was no longer acting out. In this example, I don’t think it is an invasion of family privacy. Abuse is abuse and privacy does not matter. However, I think that there are appropriate instances where outsiders should get involved even if there isn’t abuse. Personally, if I see a mother obviously struggling and at her wits end, I step-in in little ways. It is as simple as carrying her groceries to the car so she can tend to her child or helping her pick an item off of the shelf. I tend not to get any more involved than that because I don’t want to invade a family’s privacy.
ReplyDeleteI think the important question to ask yourself before you step into the situation is, “do I have something to add to the situation that could stop it from escalating.” The purpose is to make things better, and not worse. If you are unsure if your actions will help or harm the situation, it is best to step back and let the family handle the situation. But, if you are sure that you have something that could reduce the stress of the situation, be sure to go ahead and do it.
This story is a perfect example of a situation that could go either way - the parent could be seriously hurting the child and abusing him/her, or the passerby may be analyzing the situation incorrectly and getting involved is not their business. In this particular scenario, I think that it was fair of the woman to intervene. I think that because she saw the child crying and other people were also staring, and the fact that the child was begging to be let go, it was a fair situation to get involved. In most cases, I would say that it is better to intervene than to not. Worst case scenario, you annoy or offend a parent, but best case scenario, you save a child from a potentially abusive situation/environment.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I think that it's important to note that this situation occurred in a public grocery store with other people around. If the woman had witnessed this happening with no one else nearby, she might have been putting herself in danger if the main was potentially dangerous and bigger than her. Along with that, the woman in this scenario also had the observations of other shoppers to defend her side of the situation.
For the most part, I agree with the recommendations at the bottom of the article. One that I especially agree with says, “If someone is being abusive to a child in public, just imagine what happens behind closed doors." I think this is a very strong argument. I also like that the article points on that importance of how a witness should approach the situation - staying calm, collected, and doing your best to not come off as offensive or judgmental.
The one thing that bugs me about this article is the fact that the woman posted the story on Facebook. In some ways I'm sure it was a self-esteem boost for her to receive validation from supportive people. But at the same time, I think that it was a breach of privacy and it was not her place to post about the story.
It's understandable for those who don't intervene. You don't want to feel like you are attacking a parent's parenting style because they could come off angry or be totally rude in how you do it. Plus, then the child then sees that another adult can come over and "take the power" away from their parent who couldn't calm them down. It's a huge gray area in means of when or if you should say something. In my view, I would not intervene because each parent has to learn how to control their child. Even if it comes to punishing them. But, I would step in if there was a danger of lasting physical pain to the kid that is unacceptable like if they started beating there child. So it's a hard way of knowing when you should, but that is how things are. It's a learning process and if you are unsure. It's not a huge deal if you were to just ask the parent if they need help.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the worse that could happen? They say no? But if don't say no, and instead they could say yes, what would you do?
When it comes to this topic, I can remember a specific time that I had a meltdown in a store when I was there shopping with my mom and my twin brother. I must've been at least 2 or 3, and the only reason I remember this is because my mom will often bring it up (I am not sure why!) We were in the store and I was throwing a temper tantrum because I had what my mom would call the "I wants." She was not going to buy everything I wanted so I threw myself to the floor and threw a fit. My mom always finishes the story with her leaving her cart (full of items) and taking my brother and I home. I can't help but think about what the people around us were thinking but also how embarrassed and upset my mom was dealing with the situation. Of course, if I could go back and have some control over my emotions I would've saved her some embarrassment! If it were me observing a situation like this, I would (hypothetically, if I could build the courage in that moment) offer to watch the woman's cart so she wouldn't have to leave and to give her some time to help the child calm down. I am not sure if there was much more I would do to intervene because it is a private situation, and there is not much a stranger would allow in more than maybe offering to watch the cart or telling the woman you'll let an associate know that this cart needs to be put away to give the woman some easy and feel a bit better about leaving a cart full behind.
ReplyDeleteThis particular topic is incredibly difficult to deal with in regards to whether or not one should intervene or not. This topic reminds me a of time my mother was in a situation where intervention was necessary. I was on my way to school and was being dropped off in the parking lot. We noticed a car that was sitting on the side of the road and it looked as though someone was yelling, making frantic movements with their hands. The car door opened and a student tried to get out. The mother must have grabbed her backpack and yanked her back in because the student fell back and hit her head on the car door. There was yelling and obvious struggle between the two individuals. My mother got out of her car and went to aid the student in this situation. There was arguing and yelling from the mother of the other child but my mom was very stern and threatened to call social services if this continued. When the mother peeled out of the parking lot my mom talked with the child and gave her information on services she could seek out (my mom works for the department of human services so she has a lot of information on this topic). I remember sitting there and being so nervous and overwhelmed with the whole situation. I sat there hoping I would do the same as my mother if a similar situation occurred but I'm still not positive how I would react. There's a thin line between intervening when it's necessary and when it is not. There have been plenty of times my mother has yelled at me in public, but I have never felt unsafe or in any danger. It's difficult to identify what the line is. One thing I have thought about after this interaction with my mother and the other students parent is- did my mother end up putting the student in more danger? What I mean by this is, if this students mother IS abusive, did this intervention from my mom anger the other mother even more so than she already was? What happened when this student went home after school? Sometimes I think that waiting for the mother to leave and then approaching the girl with resources and any help needed would have been smarter. That way the mother wouldn't know, which could have ended up saving the daughter from any other abuse.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think that yelling at a child should be refrained from and not used often, but many times parents are overwhelmed and mistakes happen. Intervention should be taken if the child is in immediate danger but sometimes, what we think is right can be more harmful than we'll ever know.
My dad always tells me stories of how he would go grocery shopping with me and my sisters (three daughters under four years old!!). He said it would be so hectic with us crying and fighting and asking for food/trying to run around the store. He said that he'd always get moms walking up to him offering him help and the people who worked at the grocery store would even offer to push his cart around or fetch any food he needed. We would laugh at these stories, because this never happened to my mom when she was grocery shopping alone with us!! I think people hold moms to higher standards and judge them more if their kids are crying.
ReplyDeleteIn the New York Times article about when to intervene with parents while out shopping or whatever it is, I was shocked to hear the story of the dad wrapping his daughter's hair around the grocery cart. That is definitely a time to intervene. The child was crying and clearly distraught. I personally would probably ask for the manager at my age rather than confronting the dad, but maybe I would feel better confronting the dad if I were a parent myself.
Sometimes, it's better to just ignore the situation if a child is just having a tantrum. As we learned in class, parents are judged and blamed too much for their child's actions. Parents know their own kids best and can usually calm them down in a high-stress situation. If a kid was crying and you suggested that they leave the store or give the child candy may get very upset and offended. This could prevent the parent from remaining calm and would not help the situation.
This scenario breaks my heart. I would absolutely intervene in this situation, but I would do so by being warm, friendly and concerned when confronting the parent. I would use the recommendations suggested in the article, such as saying: “Hello, I don’t mean to get in your business or tell you how to parent, but I noticed that”. Moreover, I don’t think that every situation needs intervention. In other situations that I’ve been in, such as a child throwing a tantrum because they can’t have a candy bar- I choose not intervene because I never know the best way to approach the parent and child. If I feel that a child is in possible threat and danger from the parent, I will definitely intervene because I feel responsible to the child to do so. My inaction could lead to injury, danger and possible death to the child and I would not be able to live with that guilt. Finally, I believe that if I do choose to intervene the most important thing is how I choose to intervene. As a current non-parent I would offer help by reframing from judgement and asking first if they need help before imposing my help on the parent.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel that intervening would be an invasion of privacy because for starters they are out in public, unfortunately people tend to pay attention to any move you make if it is uncommon. I believe that intervention would be very important for the safety of the child but I don't feel it would change the parent's approach to discipline. I honestly believe that intervening could cause the parent to become more frustrated. A scary thought for me is that if he is willing to pull her hair in public, I can't imagine what he is willing to do in private. Intervening and ignoring is a hard decision for me to decide between. I may stop the parent from doing the action right there in public but once they leave I feel the parent could take the anger out on the child later when they are alone.
ReplyDeleteUnder the category of "should I call the police" I definitely relate to feeling uncomfortable reporting it. The thoughts go through my mind that maybe I am just overreacting or over analyzing the situation. On the other hand I have never considered that I also need to remain safe when approaching the situation. I feel confident enough that if it escalated into more danger and others saw that someone was trying to intervene it would encourage others to also.
I think that they did a good job in intervening. The punishment that the child was receiving was not only humiliating but also cruel and unusual and uncomfortable for a lot of bystanders. In my opinion if a parent does that in public I would not what to imagine what goes on behind closed doors, because they had interviewed at least an investigation was underway with protective services and help prevent the child from receiving these kinds of punishments in the future.
ReplyDeleteI think it was great that the woman intervened! Although I do feel it can be considered an invasion of privacy, the situation was at the point where intervention was needed. I think there are boundaries regarding when strangers should get involved such as only getting involved if there is child abuse suspected, something does not seem right with the situation, or if the parents look really flustered and may appreciate a stranger distracting their child with a silly face in order to diffuse some kind of behavior. The recommendation suggested in the article "if you see something, say something" was helpful. It is better to be sure that the child is safe than to ignore the situation.
ReplyDeleteThis was a super interesting article. Before reading the article I figured that I probably wouldn't intervene in any situation like this but afterwards I feel more confident about intervening. The article brought up several points that I agree with. "If this is happening in public, imagine what could be happening at home behind closed doors." Additionally, the point was brought up about whether or not it would ruin the parent if the police came involved. My stance with that is that if the parent is doing nothing wrong then it shouldn't matter whether or not you get the police involved. I think right now its hard to know whether or not I would intervene. It is very dependent upon the situation. If I am seeing something that I know is absolutely wrong, I don't think there would be any way that I would be able to not intervene. The greatest thing with intervening is remaining calm and having a plan of action before you go in.
ReplyDeleteIt can be very hard to know what to do for situations like these. I believe that there are many different ways to raise a child and that it is important to be respectful of other styles within reason. Most of the time, parents raise their children in ways that are similar to how they were raised by their parents. When in a situation where it is unknown if you should intervene, I believe it should only be done if clues lead one to believe a child is in danger. Before intervening, it is important to consider how it would feel to be the parent getting talked to. Sometimes intervening could make a situation worse. It is so hard to know how weather to intervene or not and it should only be done after being open minded about other parenting styles and if it is something that you believe has the potential to be serious.
ReplyDeleteI really think that this is a gray space. However, if there is a child that is potentially in danger an adult has absolutely nothing to lose by intervening. Perhaps the adult is embarrassed if they were wrong of if they are scolded for intervening, however the potential consequences to the child if someone doesn't step in could actually be fatal. Having the knowledge now from this course regarding proper discipline and it's impact on children, I feel like we have an obligation to step in and say something if we see something that doesn't add up. If we see something concerning in public, I cannot even begin to imagine the kind of things that go on at home. Bringing attention to someone's behavior may either make them more aware of their actions or draw more public attention to it to help deter the situation.
ReplyDeleteWith regards to the story in the article, I think that the lady who intervened did the right thing. The child was distressed, upset, in pain, and clearly had no control over her situation. And this is a common issue with a lot of child-abuse cases; children have little to no control over their environment, and are therefore unable to escape abusive situations. Thus, it is important for people like Ms. Burch to intervene when they believe a child is in immediate or future danger. With that being said, I think the bystander effect deters a lot of people from acting in these situations. Additionally, I think that people are afraid of any negative reactions or dangerous behaviors being directed towards them, threatening their safety. Additionally, these situations can sometimes be rather blurry, making it difficult to know when to intervene. However, I think that, similar to the advice that was given in the article, it is extremely important to intervene and/or get the police involved if the child’s present or future safety is in danger.
ReplyDeleteA lot of this would depend on my own temperament. I am a very non-confrontational person, and I definitely would not approach a stranger or intervene. However, if I saw something that I perceived as not right, I would likely try to get other people's attention and see if they feel the same. Most of the time, someone else will then take action, and so it doesn't ever really fall on me. I do agree with some of the recommendations offered, however, you also run the risk of misconstruing the situation and possibly damaging the interaction between parent and child. For instance, the child may have been misbehaving (and you didn't notice) and the parent was employing their own mode of discipline (you may not necessarily agree with it) and you intervening may cause the parent to lose credibility in the eyes of their child. However, I don't believe that you should be afraid of whether whatever you decide to do is an invasion of privacy (if the child is being abused, those parents don't deserve any privacy). Ultimately, I believe that intervening or not is a personal choice (that's why it isn't a legal obligation), but you definitely can't stand by and play an observer if you witness something that isn't right.
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ReplyDeleteI think that if the child seems to be in danger or is getting hurt then people are more likely to intervene. I think that people should be more brave and step in if they see something happening to a child. It is important to respect a parent's way of disciplining their child, but imagining what goes on behind closed doors if the child is already being publicly disciplined that way makes you wonder. It may be better to act right away when seeing something like this in public. I think it can be an invasion of privacy for some families. What if the child was at a really rebellious stage? They can report their own parents hitting them even though it may have been just discipline. This can cause a lot of trouble for the family with the authorities. If there were no evidence of physical abuse or neglect, then the damage it can have on a family is detrimental. I think a stranger can get involved by making comments or suggestions, but they shouldn't cause the scene to become bigger by drawing attention to the parent and child. They also shouldn't touch the child. I'm sure parents wouldn't want strangers to be handling their children.
ReplyDeleteAs many of you all have expressed, context is what's so important in these cases, yet also what can be so difficult to judge accurately. As the saying goes, there's three sides to every scenario (yours, mine, and the truth), and in this instance it's a matter of the parent's, the bystander's, and the child's. If the child is of a age where they can verbally express both distress and danger, than the action of intervening (be it by you, or the involvement of some sort of authority figure) would seem pretty common sense. However, at younger ages--or instances such as when a child possesses a tolerance for abuse due to being abused-- the notion of intervention may be less easy conclusion to come to.
ReplyDeleteTrue, to some families intervention may be an invasion of privacy, but the action of the parent that would create that intervention would be an infringement of the child's human rights ("no one should be subjected to torture, or cruel, inhumane punishment).
The question of how should one intervene in these instances is also important, and for that I would advise that one should consider the severity of the situation. For example, I've come across three different interactions between a parent and their child, two of which I intervened (one more subtly than the other).
I think it was totally okay for the couple to intervene in the case described in this New York Times article. If the child was being briefly spanked or reprimanded verbally, I would say that intervention may not have been essential. However, the girl described in the article was literally being dragged by her hair. In no way is that action effective for child learning or appropriate at any time. I agree with most of the recommendations expressed. The biggest thing that stood out to me was the fact that if you see something and don't say anything, there is always a chance it could get worse and become harder to intervene. Perhaps it is an invasion of a family's privacy, however, I would outweigh that with the safety of the child. I think that a stranger should get involved if they have a gut feeling something is wrong. If it looks and feelings wrong, chances are something is not right and people should step in. While I do recognize and value that intervention could potentially escalate the parent, I don't think it's worth taking the gamble of not intervening and a child being hurt.
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