Relationships with Our Grandparents

Just as we have parents, we have grandparents. Most of us have four (two grandmothers, two grandfathers) but the number and genders can vary. Certainly over time, with family structural changes and with deaths, numbers and configurations of grandparents to children change. Particularly variable is our relationship with our grandparents. Factors like geographic distance can affect our connections. Our own parents' relationships with their parent(s) can definitely affect how much and in ways we see and understand our grandparents.

As we'll discuss, grandparents are identified to offer a variety of supports and resources for grandchildren. And their relationships run along a continuum from remote/ritualistic to involved to companionate to custodial. Increasingly in our US society grandparents raise their grandchildren - for a period of time, for the duration of the child's life, through living in extended family households (such as the teenage mother and her child who live with her parents). For many children, grandparents are also 'cultural conservators,' maintaining the norms, customs and values of our heritages. 

Please share a bit about your own relationships with your grandparents. All of them (depending how many) or maybe a single grandparent who was/is meaningful to you. How would you describe your relationship? What does the grandparent do for you and support your development? What do you do for the grandparent and how do you support him or her?

This is my characterization of one of my grandparents. My grandfather (Earle "Grandpa" Powers, 1898-1984) was my mother's father (pictured to the right with my grandmother - Alice). He and my grandmother lived in Toledo, Ohio while my family lived in a Chicago suburb or east coast cities. That meant that contacts were occasional (Christmas and summer) but consistent while I was growing up. And in my adulthood I put effort into visiting them. I only knew my grandfather in his retirement so he was a symbol of adulthood of someone who pursued hobbies rather than the demands of work. He sang, went to the Masons, smoked cigars, painted, read and traveled. I loved knowing an adult who had so many interests. He gave me someone to love being with and look forward to visiting when the majority of adults in my childhood were those I had to be responsible to. And who were stressed. Or boring. Or both. We weren't close enough (relationally or proximally) or my identity formed enough for me to perceive differences that would affect my sense of connection to him. He also gave me history to my mother's side of the family; a dimension of her that as a child I didn't understand or tangibly see. In turn I wasn't someone he needed to be responsible for (his active parenting focused on my mother and uncle). And I believe that he liked the attention and affection and I know that I was a source of pride for him. It probably also helped that I resemble my mother, so his felt connection to family was obvious every time we were together.

So, my relationship with my grandfather on our continuum was companionate. And he gave me a role model, a sense of connection to the past and a wider, larger sense of 'family,' and the emotional support of someone I felt comfortable with and someone else who had value for me.

What are your connections to grandparents?

Parent-child relationships in the age of social media (Part 2)

In this video a father takes to social media, not to share his experience with the father of a bully, but to address his daughter. He is outraged by her rant on Facebook against her parents. Watch it below:

What is your reaction to this video? What is your take on the daughter's rant? And that she took it to Facebook? How about the father? What do you think about his words to his daughter? How about his physical demonstration of asserting demandingness? And what do you think of HIS taking this all to social media?

If you were the daughter (or son) and angry with your parent, would you take your anger and disagreement to Facebook? Why or why not? How would you feel if your parent responded to you using social media?

Parent-child relationships in the age of social media

About a two years ago a father from Prior Lake, Minnesota posted a video on YouTube that went viral. The video is below (The original video link may have been removed. This one shows the entire piece, though).

Watch the video and consider the following:

How was social media used by teenagers (in this case Brad's daughter and her friends and other kids), and to what effect? What is your reaction to the incident as Brad describes it? From our reading, and from your experience, does that surprise you?

What prompted Brad (the dad) to use social media to air his opinion?
What are the benefits to his using this forum? Are there any consequences? Consider others connected to the situation.

Do you agree or disagree with this dad's using YouTube in this way?

Parent-Teen Relationships... With the Taylors

In addition to film representations of parents and teens, TV shows entertain us with family comedies and dramas that include children during adolescence. Few demonstrate such strong and significant adult-teen relationships than in the series, Friday Night Lights. In the series, a medium size town in Texas is the context for Coach and Tami and Julie Taylor. Coach (Eric) is the football coach at the high school - a sport in a town that is THE important activity. Tami is a school counselor and Julie is their teenage daughter. Early in the series, Julie is about 14 or 15. The series also features other teens - especially the young men on the football team and some young women in the school and town. They range in personality, age, race and experience, offering quite a number of events to view teens own challenges with development, and how adults help or challenge that growth.

The link below features about 8 minutes of a compilation with the Taylor family. The video is a nice view of the parents and the teen dealing with some pretty typical teen issues. Julie is in a word, a 'good' kid. As we see here, even with model children families experience conflict.

http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/12535

Please watch the clip, and then weigh in on what you observe in the parent-child relationships. Consider some of the following questions:

• What is Julie feeling, what are her parents feeling, when they have conflict and when they interact. 
• What do you see as ways that Eric and Tami work to maintain the relationship with Julie, and ways that they assert their responsibilities as parents and set boundaries and limits while also showing her warmth and understanding? 
• Do they do this equally or in the same way?
•  What challenges might they face in trying to do this? 

Favorite Teen Movie (with parents?)

A couple weeks ago we weighed in on our favorite scary movies in honor of Halloween. As we move to the next and last section of the course and move developmentally up the age ladder to adolescence, let's share our favorite teen movie. And there are a LOT of them. Hollywood makes billions on pumping out films and television series every year featuring teens as central characters.

Films feature groups of teens - like Breakfast Club, that represent a range of teen 'types,' in other cases a teen is the focus for a coming of age film, like "The Way Way Back," or "The Spectacular Now," or "Boyz in the Hood." These films feature developmental challenges and norms for teens - exposure to sex, drugs, playing with new identities, new conflicts at school, work and home. Some offer the societal context as challenge when violence, poverty, domestic abuse, broken homes, rural life or a changing political landscape introduce conflict and negotiation to the developing young adult.

And maybe if we are lucky, the film features teens in the family context. Hopefully a healthy family - like that briefly shown in a film like "Easy A" who support Emma Stone with her misadventures with her peers. Yet all too often parents are represented in films about teens as a joke (Exhibit A: Amy Poehler as Regina George's mother in "Mean Girls" That said, there are other positive adults in the film - Tina Fey's math teacher for one).

What is your favorite film about teens? Why? (No judgment). Was it helpful to you when you were a teen? Does it evoke painful/'glad its over' memories, or does it just make you laugh - or fall in love all over again? And what, if anything, would someone watching the film learn about parent-teen relationships? 

Favorite Scary Movie

Do you like scary movies? About this time of the year - today, especially, we enjoy a good fright night to go with our Halloween experience and that rush of adrenaline from being scared, surprised, and creeped out even at the risk of getting nightmares.

Thinking about parents, allowing children to watch scary movies is another way to be intentional about the role. As you can see from this list at Commonsense Media, selecting a good/scary movie can mean weighing the child's age, developmental ability to understand what's happening, to know that it's make believe, temperament and sensitivity to images and actions that another child might not find frightening, and the setting in which the movie is viewed. As with all media, someone should engage with the child while viewing to make it a positive experience. In part, this scaffolding can attune to what the experience is like for the individual child. It also allows asking the child questions to correct misunderstandings or to deepen comprehension of what is being viewed. Questioning and engagement can also help children understand consequences (of for instance, violence, often portrayed as cartoony and painless, or of gender representations).

As adults we like to watch favorite films and TV shows for lots of reasons. Memories, emotions, the story, who we watch it with and sometimes to just get a good scare.

In class I shared that my favorite scary movie is The Haunting (1963), directed by Robert Wise. Here's the IMDB page with information about the film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057129/?ref_=nv_sr_4  . This film came out when I was 8, and I probably saw it for the first time when I was 9 or 10. I love it because it is very well done - in the pre-cgi era - showing what happens with a mixture of talent, good camera work and imagination. And for its indelible impact on me (as I still think twice at leaving my hand off the side of the bed) . Below is the trailer:

What is YOUR favorite scary movie and why? Or, if you don't like scary movies, why not? 

Intervene or Ignore?

We've all been there. At a store or airport or other public place when a child has a meltdown and the parent loses it. It's not comfortable for anyone, least of which for the parent who balances his or her own emotions, thoughts about how best to handle the situation and the child, and feeling judged by those around.

What do you do? If you're like most (including me, most of the time) you don't do much of anything. You remain proactive by looking away or looking busy so that the frazzled parent at least has one fewer person to feel watched by. Yet perhaps (like me) you remain attentive enough to weigh when some kind of assistance or intervention may be actually helpful. Strangers are not likely to welcome your picking up the child or giving the child something like candy (though some are), but they may welcome distracting the child with a silly voice. Or hearing a simple calm adult voice that asks if there is help that can be offered "Can I help unload your grocery cart for you while you tend to your daughter". Or even a glance that says or actual expression of, "I know what you are going through. It's tough when they are tired, isn't it?"

But what about other times when it appears that the child might be in danger? Check out this story from the New York Times a couple weeks ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/29/us/should-you-intervene-when-a-parent-harshly-disciplines-a-child-in-public.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=0

What is happening that might lead someone to consider intervening? What is your opinion about this? Do you agree or disagree with the recommendations expressed? Would it be an invasion of privacy for the family? What is the boundary at which a stranger 'should' get involved? Consider too our points from class about preserving the parent-child relationship? Might intervention escalate something in a parent that might somehow damage, rather than support future parenting?

Laws in the US against spanking?

In class this week we are continuing our look at learning and guidance for young children, with a specific focus on discipline and the use of punishment as a tactic.

We've discussed our attitudes about spanking as a discipline practice, and motivations for why some (many) parents continue to use the practice, even on an occasional basis. And those who do, generally do have a variety of discipline practices. There is division however, about the value and effectiveness of spanking for helping children learn the limits that are valuable for their self-regulation and socialization. And questions about the impacts on the relationship with the parent and what else children learn from being spanked (fear? avoiding punishment rather than problem solving? the promotion of use of physical force and acceptance of violence as a resolution?).

And there are questions about the practice when it is nearly exclusively used by parents (adults with larger bodies, brains and strength) with small children (as in small bodies and brains). As a power assertive technique toward discipline, there is the very real potential that it can escalate to something more than getting the child's attention or reminding a child that the parent disagrees with the behavior (Exhibit A: Adrian Peterson). There is the possibility when adrenaline flows and strikes come with more force, that a child can be injured, and can suffer from abuse. And when it gets to that level, as we know from our discussion about toxic stress and the brain, that child most certainly isn't learning much about the actual problem that started the whole situation.

These questions have led to policy movements in the US toward enacting laws around spanking. Other countries outside the US do have policies that prohibit spanking or physically striking a child. Not so much in the US. Primarily our policies step in when a child has been injured or abused. Spanking is permissible but only to the point that it is used 'reasonably'.  

Please see the following short article from Time magazine in 2014: http://time.com/3379862/child-abuse/.  It lays out some of the efforts that states have made toward passing legislation, and the barriers. Based on our discussion of attitudes in class, this shouldn't be too surprising.

Nevertheless, what are your thoughts on this? Do you believe that we should have anti-spanking laws in the US? If so, should they be within states or would it be federal? How might these be enacted, and what definitions would be in place. Does your personal history or current experience inform your view? 

At the heart of this, do you feel that parents know what is 'reasonable' in the degree to which they use of physical punishment like spanking? If going to the extreme of legislation isn't necessary in your view, then what would you advocate for, so that parents employ strategies for teaching their children (especially young children) limits that are effective in the short and long term, that teach children prosocial and constructive lessons, and that maintain the quality of the parent-child relationship?  

Are children better off when a parent stays home?

Suppose you picked up the phone one day and a survey researcher asked you the following questions:

1. Answer the following statement. Children with 2 parents are a) better off with a parent at home or b) just as well off when parents work.

2. Which parent should stay home?
a) Mother
b) It doesn't matter?

How would you respond?

Consider your answers, then check out the results to those questions posed to a random selection of US citizens by the Pew organization: http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/10/10/most-americans-say-children-are-better-off-with-a-parent-at-home/

You'll see demographic differences in people's responses - based on characteristics like age, gender, religious affiliation, and ethnicity.

How do your own sentiments compare to those of the survey sample, and to those who represent you in the data?

And what do you think these responses say about what people believe 'better off' for children really means? A serious consideration is that many parents don't have a choice around work, full or part time, as it is an economic necessity for the family. If that's the case, then would those who believe that children are 'better off' with a parent at home also be willing to pay more taxes to give non-working parents a subsidy to cover what they aren't earning? On the other hand, are those who believe that children are not better off with a parent at home, willing to support what it takes for our country to provide high quality child care for all children of working parents?

What do you think?

Toddler Tantrum at Nighttime

As we move to the next section of the course we explore parent-child relationships during toddlerhood and early childhood. This is the ages of 18-mos to 3 years, and 3-6 years. This continues to be an incredibly active time for brain development and for the development of little bodies and physical abilities (walking, gaining fine and large motor control), cognition and learning, self-regulation and socialization.

As young children seek to explore and use their developing abilities, they misbehave. Or at least that's what it seems like to adults. And parents need to figure out how best to respond to their children when this happens. We'll be talking a lot about this during these weeks.

Please watch the following video: 

https://youtu.be/8s3F_gN_1wc?list=RD5IM1p-Tn-jA

And share your reactions to what you see. 

Consider a few things. What does Hannah want? How does her mother respond? What are the outcomes, or consequences of the interaction? What might be the impact on the relationship between Hannah and her mother (and possibly her father)? Does this signal anything to you about the relationship dynamics if they continue over time?

Or share other aspects of the video that you'd like to discuss. 

Attachment Disorder, Matt Damon Style

As we discussed insecure attachment classifications during class on Monday, a clip from Good Will Hunting (1997) was mentioned. That clip is below. If you aren't familiar with the film*, it's about a young man who is gifted but who has conduct issues. He is taken under the wing by a Math Professor at MIT, who invites a therapist friend to help him. The scene is between the main character, Will, (Matt Damon) and Sean, the therapist (Robin Williams).

After you watch the clip, discuss in the comment section the type of attachment you believe Will's file identifies for him and why. What is it about Will's behavior suggests this? What about his early parenting and family life suggests that Will's early attachment was insecure? How has that followed him into his adulthood? 

And, a bit of a journey into armchair psychology, but why might Will 'break' on Sean's persistent phrase, "It's not your fault?"

"It's Not Your Fault" (Good Will Hunting, 1997) 

* The film is currently streaming on Netflix (https://www.netflix.com/search/Good%20will%20Hunting?jbv=17405997&jbp=0&jbr=0) and available in most public libraries.

Attachment Parenting: How Much is Enough?

A few years ago, Time magazine ran this rather controversial cover:

with the inside story on attachment parenting (read the article here: http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,2114427,00.html ).

In class we've been reading and talking about secure attachment and the benefits that it provides to early brain development, and as a basis through the secure base for learning, exploration, positive self-concept, and executive functioning. And in our observations of what sensitive parenting looks like, we used words in class like responsivity, bidirectionality, eye contact, warmth, smiling, language, and reciprocity.

Parents establish secure attachments with their children in a number of ways, and groups like Attachment Parenting International and the Circle of Security promote ways for parents to form nurturing bonds, express warmth, and offer a trusted base. Techniques recommended include baby wearing, co-sleeping, and birth bonding.

As the Time article notes, however, this can be demanding on parents, particularly mothers when breastfeeding and traditional expectations on caregiving are considered. When mothers are straddling work and infant caregiving, co-sleeping may not be a long term strategy if it leaves the parent tired. Might babywearing exacerbate back problems for some, leaving them to feel guilty for offering a 'good enough' environment? Are these additional efforts toward secure attachment necessary? And are they the concerns of those who are more privileged?

What do you think? What might be the essential ingredients for providing a secure attachment relationship for a baby?

Fathers.... and babies

In a too-rushed ending to our class on Wednesday, we talked about fathers and their roles in caregiving. Although we can debate family compositions and gender role requirements for happy lives and childrearing outcomes, men make up half of our population in the US or worldwide (or around there, depending on your source of statistics) and it's important that we focus on the impact they make on children through their relationships with them, and how we can support men in being nurturing fathers.

As a great transition to next week as we talk about the beginning of life and what babies need, here's the clip on fathers that was listed for week 2 in our class. It's from the "I Am Your Child" series. It's called 'To Be a Father." 

http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/display/79973 

Also, a picture from the new NBC series, "This is Us." As you watch the video (a bit dated but still relevant), consider the roles that fathers play in the new life that is a baby. How is it different, or as Ray Romano says, a transition from the way fathers used to be involved (or should we say, were 'only' involved)?

What factors influence how father's father their children? What do we want them to do and be for their children? And what messages to them support and reinforce caregiving as being more than 'the wallet' and 'the disciplinarian'?

Consider your own father, or the person who has functioned most closely as a father to you. What roles does this person play in your life (in concert or perhaps separate from your mother)? How has this person shaped who you are today?

Cultural Differences in Child Feeding

In Monday's class we began to explore the role of culture as an influence in childrearing and on the parent-child relationship. We discussed how a culture's norms and values are transmitted through parents through their actions and expectations of their children, in what they teach and how they teach it. We discussed how parents and families can differ along cultural continuua, encouraging for instance independence and others encouraging interdependence. Some families promoting more individualistic behaviors and others operating on more collecitivistic principles. And so on.

In this video clip*, we see parents representing different cultures all performing the same parenting task: providing an environment for a young child (or children) to learn about feeding, self-feeding, and eating.

As you watch this clip, what differences do you see? What motivations or values might the parent(s) have for feeding or encouraging eating and feeding in children as you observe it? What is the child learning from this? And how might the action represent facets of culture?

*click the link to open the video in another window. Click the small box in the lower right corner of the video to open to full screen.

Clip Analysis: Parenting Styles and Relationship Dynamics

During class on Wednesday, we discussed the concepts of agency and communion in parent-child relationships (Wiggins) and parenting styles as a blend of warmth and demandingness (Baumrind). We viewed a film clip from The Lion King and discussed our observations of how the father (Mufasa) and son (Simba), and even Mufasa and his aide Zazu, demonstrated the relationship concepts.

Below are clips from two other films, Dead Poets Society and Willie Wonka*. Please view them (click on the URL - opens to a new window) and comment with your observations of how the scenes demonstrate agency and communion by parent and child, and which parenting style the parent demonstrates, and how this is shown.

http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/15059

http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/12524

and one more time, father and son from 'The Lion King'

http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/12532

*All 3 film clips are from classic films (or remakes of a classic in the case of Willy Wonka). For more information on each of the films, a good source is IMDB (international movie database) at www.imdb.com. 

Our own parent-child relationships as a context for human development

At the end of class on Monday, this graphic of a wordcloud was shared. It includes the terms offered by the class to describe in one word their relationship with a parent. As wordclouds do, the larger the letters the more frequently the word appeared. The words here represent 89% of the class.

 

What does this graphic tell you about our perspectives on parent-child relationships? 

In our discussions, we've identified that meaningful relationships can offer us a variety of supports, guidance and resources, validation for our identities, companionship and contribute to the myriad of outcomes of who we are and what we achieve (e.g., adjustment, life success, choices on living in a society). And parent-child relationships, of course, are two-way streets. There are two players, and both child and parent are influenced by the relationship. And as living things, they take place and can change over time.

Given that, what does our wordcloud suggest about the parent-child relationship as a context for human development?

About Parent-Child Relationships

In this course, FSOS 4155 Parent-Child Relationships, we are exploring the dynamics between parents and children that create the lifelong bond and that have countless influences on the development of the child, and of the parent as an adult.

We'll begin by looking at the internal dynamics between parents and children that drive relationships - human development, life stage, personal characteristics, contexts and psychological motivations, such as the drive for agency and for communion. Then we'll explore parent-child relationships over the normative trajectory of the transition to parenthood through infancy and early childhood, through schoolage, adolescence, young adulthood and then parent-child relationships between the adult as child and the adult as parent into grandparenthood and caring for our aging parents.

At each turn, to reinforce the content provided to us in readings, web links, videos and lecture files, we will come together to discuss the key points. Complementary to our class work we will learn outside of class in a variety of ways - as we do as learners naturally. We observe humans and human interactions, we are sparked by conversations and interactions with others on topics directly and indirectly related to the course, and reflect on our personal experiences to make deeper connections.

This blog will be a part of our out of class learning. Throughout the course we'll offer insights and discussion on topics, events and content from our lives that are relevant. It might be a news item, a current film or TV show or book; it might be a personal reflection that invites others to contribute to.

As we begin the course please read the articles for the first day, "Choose Your Parents Wisely" and "A Manifesto Against 'Parenting," and watch the trailer for the film, "Raising of America." What processes do you see that occur in parent-child relationships? What context factors might make a difference in these relationships?

As you ponder your own parent-child relationships, how would you characterize what goes on between you and your parent (or the person you consider most like your parent)?